Can I call?

想起好久沒有跟H通話, 他是少數從工作變成朋友的一個,十年有餘,他看著我入行,看著我離開又重新開始, 周而復始.

昨晚很想找個人説話,我訊息問他: Can I call?

他說 yes, what's up?

我按下通話鍵的當下,另一頭的他幾乎是秒接.我可以想象他收到我訊息的時候禁不住想我是不是有什麽事的樣子.

我笑說沒什麽事, 只是想起以前我常常下班通勤的時候打給你聊天.然後不知爲何我們不再通電話,而是每個月約出來吃飯. 突然想和你説話,就給你打電話了.

他如釋重負.

我們聊了兩個小時多, 一如既往.

我常常感覺自己是個被blessing的人, 只要我想要説話的時候, 能找到一個輕鬆聊天的朋友.我知道這有多難,我慶幸自己一直經營這些關係, 讓我不至於覺得絕望.

他確實是一個不可多得的朋友,成熟,穩重,時常關懷; 不需要的時候不會多説話, 也從不輕易給意見.

昨晚的通話,我跟他道歉, 因爲他曾經說跟我send message讓他感覺猶豫,因爲永遠不知道什麽時候用錯了字眼會trigger我情緒.

如果要他send message,他會認真想兩三次before press the send button.當他告訴我這些掙扎的時候,我感覺抱歉.覺得自己是一個terrible的人.

我昨晚跟他說抱歉和謝謝, 因爲我想起這件事, 所以想表達我的感受和他知道,我是感恩他的包容.

他說 No, no, no, I mean no harms, I just prefer talk to you than texting you; it always feel much better when we talk. I need to know you are alright. 

我是一個情緒不穩定的朋友,時常讓身邊的人不知所措, 但我也謝謝這些人,沒有選擇離開反而選擇坦誠他們的感受. 這不可多得, 這裏頭需要信任和成熟. 我爲此感恩.

Therapy

 👨🏽‍🔬: You are much better than 2 year go when I start seeing you. Why you are failed to see it?

👩🏻: I feeling exhausting to keep doing the process, you once told me I'll be out from tunnel, as long as I keep practice and mindful of the process. I did it, I give in a lot effort, I just didn't see the end yet. I don't know when it is going to end.

👨🏽‍🔬: Sigh... You demand a purposes for everything you do. I probably broken my record to repeat this message to you, you will repeat doing the process forever. You are walking in bigger, brighter tunnel with more people with you now. You should be looking at this progress.

👩🏻: ......

👨🏽‍🔬: I know this is drained and you are tired. But believe me, you are doing really good, most of the things you already know even without I tell. You will slowly needed me less, and one day you will going to stop the med too.

👩🏻: ....my true feeling is I don't see meaning to repeat the process, and why all this about.

👨🏽‍🔬: This is why we have therapy, to change the process and make you lift yourself better and stronger. You already know your emotions, and you handle it well with all the technique I taught, you are very much better. My job is about finish, my job now is your cheerleader. Most of the time I'm just remind you how good you have been doing, remind your achievement which you keep failed to see it.

👩🏻:.... 

無業的第二天

今日是無業的第二天, 不用上班的日子, 也同樣早起; 7點之前已經自動張開眼睛, 然後即時想起自己不用上班. 又繼續躺在床上, 不久又繼續睡, 也只能睡到九點几就會完全醒過來; 繼續在床上滑LinkedIn.

我知道應該好好休息, 但焦慮會不時湧現, 

每當焦慮湧現我就會去apply一些工作安撫這份情緒. 

但我其實很清楚, 我應該要做的事, 是學著好好休息, 躺平.

日間通常會起來煮些東西吃, 冲杯咖啡, 看電視/煲劇從早到晚. 

然後盡可能做30分鐘的運動, 而每次我儲足力氣準備出門游泳的時候, 外邊的就會下雨.

也許連個天都要我繼續做顆沙發薯仔, so, 何樂不爲.

唯一是我游泳教練會不開心我沒持續練習.

好像也會千篇一律拿起手機, 但發現手機變得十分安靜, 

我要自己適應不再需要持續check team message, outlook.

好似這也需要mindful,不斷提醒自己.

昨晚繼續了coaching 的session, 講了一個小時; 

常常有無法繼續講下去的挫敗, 因爲coach問的問題,是連我自己不知道應該怎樣/想要怎樣, 也許正是這些尷尬的時刻,提醒我要往裏去思考.

哪裏也許有些什么.

她說隔著個minitor都可以feel到我整個人輕了, 也許我長期展現在她面前的都是情緒不穩定的一面.

我很久沒有這樣允許自己放任, 自由, 懶成一坨泥的狀態. 

所以想好好記住.